(Originally posted to the Tallahassee job boards on May 17th, 1990)

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APPLICANTS WANTED! 

A team of highly qualified animal research specialists are looking to hire a small group of interns to come work abroad with us. Ideally, applicants would be white, males. Females are also acceptable, as long as the applicants have sturdy builds. Military training will be provided on site. Applicants must sign an NDA. If you make the cut and are given tenure at our facilities, YOU WILL BE PAYED HANDSOMELY! Message us on our job boards, or leave a message below. Spaces are limited, so get back to us as soon as humanly possible. 

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Good morning /evening/ whenever you read this

Sorry for the hour, but I think I fit your criteria to a T. I’m 20, I have plenty of experience working with animals, seeing as I’m a biology major here at Florida State University. They’re offering me a chance to spend a semester as an intern, so that’s how I found myself on this board. I took High School Football and JROTC, so I know a thing or two about following orders. I’ve gained a few pounds since then, but it shouldn’t take too much to whip me back into shape! I’d absolutely love to hear what you think. 

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Hey Jack, my name is Enzo. We’d love to consider you for the job. 

(FIVE DAYS LATER) 

Congratulations, Jack! You made the team! We’ll be sending you some plane tickets in the mail. 

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Plane tickets? I didn’t know that the job would be out of state. 

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I do apologize for the miscommunication, an intern had written out that paper and he’s been a bee. 

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What?

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Sorry, busy as a bee. 

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LOL. 

(AN HOUR PASSES) 

I have some questions about the job, however. 

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What’s up?

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Well, I was wondering why the training is necessary. I mean, it’s animal research. What types of specieses are we dealing with? 

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Nothing too dangerous, mostly birds, spiders… bats. We have a jellyfish lab but that’s off location. 

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Those animals seem harmless, I think I’ll be fine. I’m just worried, is all. I mean I know NDAs are commonplace for lab research but this seems really strange to me. 

(THE FOLLOWING IS A CHAIN E-MAIL SENT TO NUMEROUS STUDENTS IN FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY A YEAR LATER)

!Attention!

My name is Jack Kister and I worked at an unnamed hospital in Italy. Five days ago, I finally managed to afford enough money to return to the U.S. At the hospital, children ages ranging from 2-18 were experimented on. Me and the interns were tasked with extracting DNA from animals. After six months, I was moved up and was exposed to the ungodly horrors I saw. bird wings protruded from student’s back. A number of the students were blind, dead, disabled, or a mixture of the three. Almostt all had not suffered from neurological problems before arriving, but 99.8% did. 

The leader of the hospital, Francis Enzo Capulo, has postings that ae STILL UP!!! Do not respond to these job board postings unless you want to TORTURE. CHILDREN. Forward this to all of your friends so they can spread the message and hopefully spread awareness of this awful cause.